Sundays At One Part One
by dinabar
Summary: What if moving to New York is the best thing Harry ever does? What if the distance actually brings Harry and Nikki closer together? Musical, multichap, fairy tale with angst aplenty oh and a shark...
1. Chapter 1

**I wanted to try a NY story line with Nikki in a stronger role. Hopefully you'll like it. Lots of angst to start with…but I'm not ruling out a happy ending. Each chapter title is a song title, some have more bearing on the story than others so keep YouTube handy, some are a little obscure. Thanks to Charlotte who inadvertently inspired the idea.**

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**Chapter One Our Day Will Come**

Harry could feel the warmth of the sun through his light summer sweater, but it wasn't the strength of the sun on that early July afternoon that was causing the excessive amount of perspiration he could feel across his shoulders and under his arms. He had a heavy feeling in his stomach that was nothing to do with the nibbles he'd had during lunch either. He rather suspected it was more to do with the task he had set himself for later that day. The one he'd been putting off for days now.

The one causing his insides to knot with pain.

The one he knew had to be done.

It was the right thing to do.

It didn't make it any easier though.

The after graduation staff party had seemed the best time. He'd only found out for definite less than a week ago and this party always allowed them a chance to unwind, relax a little, it would be the perfect time to tell her. Harry particularly liked the stealth aspect to this party. The lecturers and professors slowly drifted away from the parents and their proud offspring after the interminable boredom of the name calling, hand shaking and ubiquitous mortar board throwing photos. The staff then waited squirrelled away in offices and labs until the coast was clear and the last graduate had cleared off, leaving the campus quiet and empty and then they would return from their hiding places; pull out the rest of the nibbles, restock the beer tent and get down to some serious partying.

It had been the Lyell Centre's turn to make sure the party went with a swing. All the departments were supposed to take turns but Nikki with her usual alacrity had made such a success of a Christmas party one year, Harry suspected that their turn came round rather quicker than most. Leo was no use; he was still lost in whatever depression had gripped him over the last few months. So Harry had found a 'gourmet' hot dog seller and Nikki had gone to find a student band. The band had to be good, and had to be willing to keep the gig secret. He didn't fancy her chances much but then this was Nikki. You only had to tell her the task was impossible and she'd go into overdrive until she'd accomplished whatever challenge it was.

He could see the group of students setting up on the makeshift stage, there was a keyboard, double bass, guitar, a saxophone and a number of other black instrument boxes. Nikki had been very quiet about the type of band they were, she had in fact been very secretive. The only thing she had said was that it wasn't 'thrash metal or garage.' He hadn't pushed her because he was worried that he might not understand what type of band it was if she actually did tell him and anyway he was keeping his own secrets; so this kind of made them equal. But neither of their secrets would be secrets much longer.

He felt his stomach lurch again and his head begin to throb. He'd wanted to be able to enjoy this party one last time; that had been naïve, he suspected.

There were more people milling around now, certainly more he recognised and a line was forming at his hot dog stand which went some way to calming his nerves. The band began to play and to his surprise they were rather good. But then on consideration, was he really surprised? They played some old swing numbers and one he recognised as an Amy Winehouse song and Adele maybe. There was certainly nothing the old farts on the governing body and faculty heads could complain about. It all sounded to him like tunes that would make the Radio 2 playlist. Trust Nikki, she had done it again.

He wandered over to have a closer look, there was a girl playing the guitar and singing, another on the double bass and then three lads playing a selection of brass instruments, saxophone and keyboard. They really were very good; the lead singer had a beautiful voice not quite the depth of Amy Winehouse's but this girl looked an awful lot healthier; he wondered where Nikki had found them. Usually the science geeks at LSSE didn't really do music, or if they did it was in a mathematical and precise way. This group had a great stage presence and a playful vibrant dynamic between the members. He was so intent on mentally speculating which ones were or had been sleeping with each other that he failed to notice someone come up and stand so close behind him he felt their breath on his neck before he even realised there was anyone there. The he heard a voice in his ear.

"They're good aren't they?"

Nikki was so close to him, he couldn't turn his head to answer her without knocking her over so he settled for nodding.

"Will you dance with me later?" she asked.

He had to pull away then, instantly missing the feel of her face in his neck and look at her.

"There's going to be dancing?" he asked; his eyes wide in mock horror.

"Of course, this is a swing band Harry, there HAS to be dancing!" and with that she lifted his hand in hers and twirled herself beneath it.

"Are you dancing?" she demanded.

"Are you asking?" he countered.

"Of course, I'm asking," she smiled. "I'm asking everyone." Harry felt his stomach knot again.

"Of course, I'll dance with you," he replied and pulled her lightly into a dance hold, before taking a couple of steps and releasing her. "I just have to catch up with Matthew from neuroscience for a minute."

"Later then," she smiled.

"Later," he replied.

"Promise?" she asked.

"Would I let you down?" he turned rapidly away. He didn't want to see her reaction to that one, nor did he want her to see his as he hurried over to Matthew.

The band were playing a catchy number he vaguely recognised from somewhere and heard these words as he weaved in and out of the party guests:

'_I'm in a little bit of trouble _

_And I'm in real deep _

_From the beginning to the end _

_He was no more than a friend to me.'_

"Matthew!" he called to take his mind of the song.

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**Our Day Will Come: Amy Winehouse**


	2. Chapter 2 That Man

**Chapter Two That Man**

"Harry!" Matthew greeted him warmly pumping his hand and smiling wide. "You look terrible, you can't be wasted already it's only 4:30!"

"Ha ha," Harry replied sourly. "And you look…you look… relaxed."

"Damn right, I've got the whole afternoon to myself, no kiddie duty today. I'll pay for it tomorrow of course but I have to enjoy it while it lasts," he smiled.

"I can't believe after all these years; your wife still thinks that graduation goes on ALL day! I thought marriages were supposed to be based on trust," Harry scoffed.

"Oh they are, but I'm allowed a day off every once in a while aren't I?" Matthew grinned and punched Harry in the shoulder. "Are you still playing squash? I haven't played in ages."

"No, don't really get the time…" Harry trailed off.

"I see your still WITH the lovely Dr Alexander." Matthew nodded in Nikki's direction. She was still stood in front of the band, swaying in time with the song, but on the lookout for more potential dance partners Harry suspected.

'_That man is like a flame _

_And ooh that man plays me like a game _

_My only sin is I can't win _

_Ooh I wanna love that man.'_

"I'm not WITH Dr Alexander, you know that well enough," Harry pouted pulling his eyes away from his partner and back to his colleague, tuning out the lyrics again.

"Course, you're not mate. It's just that at all of these work do's, you invariably arrive together, you always leave together and most of the time in between you're either together or you're glaring at anyone who comes within ten feet of her. How much more together is there?" Matthew explained.

"We're just friends; you know that more than anyone."

"Yeah, friends," Matthew smirked.

"Look," said Harry changing the subject. "I need you to do me a favour."

"A favour?" Matthew looked puzzled.

"Yes, a favour, you know when a friend does something for another friend and no money exchanges hands."

"You know I'm married!" Matthew said pointedly and with a silly grin. Harry groaned inwardly and for a split second felt as he imagined Nikki must feel whenever he deflected her serious comments with inane remarks. It wasn't nice.

"Yes, a favour, Matthew. I'm …I'm…I've…" Harry stuttered to a stop.

"Good grief man, what have you done?" Matthew asked suddenly aware of how serious Harry was being.

"I've got a new job," Harry blurted out. "I'll not be back next academic year." Harry found himself gasping for breath; he'd not even suspected that admitting his plans to another colleague would affect him so badly. It didn't bode well for his later revelation.

"But that's great isn't it? How long have you been here? About time you took on something else. A new challenge. Any where's got to be better than this place, and hasn't your boss been driving you nuts recently? Where is it?"

Harry barely listened to Matthew's congratulations, just concentrated on his breathing and the churning in his belly.

"Harry?"

"It's in New York. I'm moving to New York."

Matthew stared at Harry, he'd got the job of a lifetime and yet instead of being jubilant he was stood in front of him looking as if he was about to vomit on his shoes.

"You haven't told her yet." Matthew added astutely after a further pause. "That'd better not be the favour you want. I'm not telling her that you're leaving, you'll have to do that yourself, mate."

"No, no that's not what I wanted. I just thought that maybe you know; maybe at these events you could keep an eye on her a bit. Keep off the psycho's."

"What like Stretch the Letch from Economics?"

"Definitely Stretch, but you know there are others…." Harry tailed off.

"You're the one leaving, Harry. I can't keep 'em all away. If you want to be sure of that you'll have to stay."

"I can't stay," Harry mumbled. "Look, just try ok," Harry added gently.

"Alright, you lucky bastard, I can't believe you landed NYU! I'll keep Stretch away from her if you insist." Matthew replied.

"Thanks… I'll miss you," Harry admitted, his guts spasming again.

"No you won't," Matthew said sagely. "But you'll miss her."

"Gotta go," Harry burst out and set off at a run towards the safety of the Lyell Centre.

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**That Man: Caro Emerald**


	3. Chapter 3 Feeling Good

**Before you all think I'm really nuts this bit 'bothered' me from ATIFIL, Charlotte (how amazing can one person be?) has it in her montage: The Scientist on YouTube at 1:36, Charilou88 if you aren't sure what I'm talking about.**

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**Chapter 3 Feeling Good**

He **had** to go.

**He** had to leave.

He'd known for a while now. That shrug had sealed it. They had been so close that week; closer than they'd been for years and yet she still couldn't let him in. Her instinct was to push him away and he knew he could never change that and so as painful as it was he'd decided to look around see what jobs were out there. He'd been surprised at how quickly the NYU job had come together but having sought it, he couldn't turn it down.

He flushed the toilet and went out to wash his hands. The familiarity of the Lyell Centre locker room helped compose him a bit. The throbbing in his head hadn't gone away, and his hands were clammy and cold. He began to suspect that this was not just nerves; he must have picked up a virus. He sat on the wooden bench and remembered that fateful day. He had followed her up the stairs in Shannon Kelley's parents' house. They had known what they were going to find before they even arrived but for once Nikki hadn't seemed to be prepared. He had reached out to comfort her, just touch her shoulder and despite all they had been through together she had instinctively pulled away from him; shut him out.

Moments later she had sunk into his chest; glad of his arms around her back but that first flinch had cut him to the core. He had just started to wonder again after those days spent at her house whether she could feel anything for him, allowed himself to sit and look at her, really look at her just like he'd done years before when she had first arrived. It had made him realise that as much as she let herself be comforted by him, she would never really love him.

He had worked through all the explanations for her flinch in the dark and lonely days that followed in his building site of a flat.

They had been at work, in public – but they weren't in public, only the girl's parents were in the house and they weren't looking.

She didn't want to seem weak – he'd lost count of the times she'd seen him cry.

She wanted to prove she could handle things on her own – hadn't eight years proved her ability, there was no one he admired more.

Any intimacy had to occur on her terms – he wouldn't blame her for that one after that train wreck of a kiss he'd given her years ago but he'd taken her hand in his before without her inner abhorrence showing through.

There was no other explanation in Harry's mind, despite all the affection they shared, the friendship and even her admittance that she liked having him with her at her flat; deep down she would never love him as he wanted her to. She was frightened of him or frightened of love. She had to always call the shots.

He **had** to leave.

He could feel his body begin to shiver. It wouldn't be long before his body would betray him entirely and he'd need easy reach of a bed and a bucket but he had promised Nikki a dance and he had felt her eyes on him as he had run for the safety of the Lyell Centre just now. He would have to go and find her before she came to find him. The fresh air might do him good.

He was right. The fresh air cooled his face and the shivering stopped. He clocked Nikki immediately as he scanned the party in front of him. She was dancing with a man, but as they spun around Harry realised it was labtech Nigel. She looked happy and giggly and not too drunk. He watched her for a while enjoying seeing the exhilaration on her face and the ease with which she danced. Nigel on the other hand looked like he wouldn't make it past the first vote on 'Strictly,' he was all woodenness and awkwardness but he was trying. Leo was in the beer tent, but to Harry's relief he was behind the 'bar' serving the beer. It had been the smartest decision Leo had made in weeks in Harry's opinion. He would to do less damage to himself and others on that side of the bar. Maybe he felt bad about not helping set anything up.

Harry's stomach lurched but not with the pain of his intestinal troubles but with genuine sorrow over how their relationship had deteriorated over the last couple of months. He had always admired Leo, always thought him the better man, the man that had it all sorted despite the shit that life had thrown at him. He hadn't been jealous when Leo got the lab head job all those years ago and he still couldn't help feeling overwhelmed by his generosity and mercy. Leo had let his wife's killer be handled by the justice system, despite everything. He on the other hand when fate had dealt him similar cards had not. But now even Leo seemed lost and by questioning his faith that science had all the answers he had suddenly run adrift and the anchor that Harry had subconsciously clung to for years had been ripped up and left Harry at the mercy of the current.

He had to **leave**.

Some of the band had changed instruments and a trombone had been taken out of one of the instrument cases. Harry immediately recognised the Nina Simone classic.

'_It's a new dawn_

_It's a new day_

_It's a new life_

_For me_

_And I'm feeling good'_

If only all of that was true Harry mused as he continued to listen to the lead singer.

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**Feeling Good: Nina Simone**

**I love to hear your comments, on target? Off target? Want to know where the shark is? I'm here.**


	4. Chapter 4 Stella

**Thanks for reading…**

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**Chapter Four Stella**

"She's amazing isn't she?" he heard a male voice say.

"Err, Yes," Harry replied unsure as to who the speaker meant. He pulled his eyes away from Nikki to look at the man speaking to him. "Stret….," he began but quickly bluffed to "Struan, it's been a while; Dr MacDonald, how have you been?"

"It's alright," the tall Scotsman replied. "I know everyone calls me Stretch."

"Sorry," Harry admitted. The name did really suit him, he was enormously tall and the thick mop of curly ginger hair on the top of his head only added to his height. Harry didn't usually have to look up when having a conversation, but with Stretch even Harry felt short. "How's economics treating you?" Harry asked politely.

"Oh, not bad. Fortunately this last bunch of students weren't too thick, so we met most of our targets. That should keep the Vice Chancellor off our back for at least a term. I can put up with the students and university bureaucracy but it's the endless target setting and performance management that I can't stand."

"I'm sure, I could always send you over an irate copper if you wanted something to take your mind off it," Harry suggested.

"Aye, I'm sure you could but I might pass on that one."

The band stopped and there was a hearty applause from the assembled throng.

"She really was amazing, wasn't she?" This time Struan gestured towards the lead singer.

"Yes she was." Harry agreed.

"Do you think she'd fancy me?" Struan asked.

Harry raised his eyebrows but didn't reply.

"Aye, you're probably right." An uneasy silence hung over them until Struan continued. "So, I'm guessing it was your partner that got all this together. She does seem to be the only one in your department with a sociability gene," Struan said.

"She's not my p…" Harry tailed off. Why did everyone on campus assume they were together? But then he remembered he was talking to Stretch and it was probably safer letting him think they were a couple. "Anyway, I don't think you stand a chance, my money's on the saxophonist being the one she's banging."

Struan surveyed the band. At that moment the saxophonist stood up,

"Let's have another round of applause for Stella, our stellar vocalist!" the crowd clapped enthusiastically and the saxophonist gave her a coy smile.

"Told you," Harry said smugly.

"We've just got to change round a few instruments and we'll be back with you. Don't go away!" the musician called into the mike. "And after the break, we've got some songs lined up especially for the staff from the Lyell Centre who've been in charge of this event today.

There was a bit of whooping from the crowd and Leo ostentatiously stepped out of the beer tent and bowed.

"Is your boss alright?" Struan asked.

"I really don't know," Harry conceded.

"Anyway, you've been spotted," Struan pointed towards Nikki who was now making her way towards them both. "Why does she never look at me like that?"

"Leave it," commanded Harry as if talking to a Rottweiler. He plastered on what he hoped was a smile and stepped forward to meet her.

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**All Time Low: Stella**


	5. Chapter 5 Mack the Knife

**Shark alert…**

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**Chapter Five Mack the Knife**

"Where've you been?" Nikki asked.

"Why haven't you been enjoying yourself?" Harry asked.

"Of course, but…." she didn't finish.

"If you must know, I had to take an emergency trip to the bathroom." Harry admitted. There were some secrets it wasn't worth keeping from Nikki.

"You didn't stop at the kebab van on the way over did you? How many times have I told you about that?" she scolded.

"No! Anyway, do we have to talk about this? The band's great Nikki, everyone's having fun. How do you do it?"

"I got lucky," she said shyly.

"No it's more than that. Look around! Normally the old crumblies have all disappeared by now but everyone's still here and everyone's having a great time and it's all down to you."

"Thanks, I think Leo is helping," she admitted. "I'm not sure he always remembers to charge for the beer."

"Ah, that could be it!"

"So where did you find them?"

"What?"

"The band!"

"Oh, the keyboard player, the one at the back,"

"The studiously geeky looking one?" Harry asked.

"Yes, that one! He took one of my anthropology modules. His sister is the lead singer. She's at the London College of Music with the rest of the band."

"Ah, that explains it; I didn't think they were home grown LSSE students."

"Not good enough for us?"

"Oh no they're very talented their just not…not…not…" Harry gave up.

"Typical scientists?" Nikki suggested.

"Yes, that's it. They've all got far too much energy, too much passion."

"Don't I have passion?" Nikki pouted looking up at him.

Harry swallowed and thanked his stars that at that moment the saxophonist stepped up to the mike and introduced the next set of songs. Stella was now sat with a trumpet in her hand, the trombone was still in evidence, double bass and keyboard.

"We'd like to do a few older numbers for you now," the music student said. "I'm Frank and we'd like to do a little homage to the late great Frank Sinatra, it is July the fourth and we chose these three songs especially for the team at the Lyell Centre because without characters like this, they would be out of a job!"

The double bass began to play a couple of notes repeatedly setting up a rhythm and the keyboard joined in. Nikki laughed.

"What?"

"You know what this is don't you?" she asked.

"Erm, no Frank Sinatra isn't the first on my MP-pod thing," Harry blustered.

"Think mafia," Nikki hinted.

"Still no," Harry admitted, but by then student Frank had started singing and Nikki had taken hold of Harry and was moving him expertly along to the beat.

'_Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear _

_And he shows 'em, pearly white _

_Just a jack knife has Macheath, dear _

_And he keeps it, keeps it way out of sight,'_

Nikki laughed and twirled under Harry's arm. "It should be a pathologist's theme song," she smiled.

Harry wasn't much clearer, but there seemed to be enough knives and bloodshed to involve a pathologist. He was happy having her smile and spin in his arms.

He had to **leave?**

What was he going to tell her? He hadn't in all this time thought of what he would actually say. Maybe he was a disingenuous as the shark in the song.

At the end of the song, Frank blustered about on stage for a bit, claiming the next one was a duet and moved a space at the front for Stella who had now put down her trumpet and joined him at the microphone.

"A Sinatra duet?" Harry asked. "Any suggestions?"

The music had stopped but they had remained where they were; holding each other tight and swaying to their own rhythm. Nikki seemed lost in thought. Harry had to keep talking, it was taking his mind off the creeping sense of nausea and the sweat trickling down his back.

"What about, 'Nice Work if You Can Get It,' that would be a great theme song for a pathologist," he said.

"I thought you said you didn't have any Sinatra on your MP-pod thing!" Nikki laughed.

"My mum was into Peggy Lee," Harry admitted.

He noticed the real Frank give Stella another coy smile on the stage.

"I was wrong," he suddenly announced.

"Wrong?" Nikki answered, surprised.

"Yes, about those two. I told Stretch back there that I thought they were lovers."

"You said what?"

"Actually I said: 'I bet those two are having sex,'" Harry admitted.

"Is that different to being lovers?" Nikki questioned.

Harry opened his mouth a few times but no answer was forth coming.

"Because according to you that means, you can't be lovers if you're not having sex."

"I, I, oh err,"

"I mean we're not having sex…" the statement hung in the air. Harry pulled her closer towards him so he could whisper directly into her ear.

"That doesn't mean that every person on this campus and seemingly the band too with possibly the only exception here being Leo doesn't think we are."

"What that we're lovers or we're having sex?"

"Oh I don't know?'

"What you don't know if we're having sex?"

"No, Nikki come on, it was just something to say to Stretch, I mean what was I supposed to talk about?"

Nikki chuckled, pleased that she'd managed to embarrass him.

"Oh, I think I know what they're going to play now, I've just remembered a more famous Sinatra duet," admitted Nikki. Harry's stomach lurched, he too realised what it was likely to be, it was all that talk of lovers and with the band playing the introduction, there was no question. He could play it two ways, be shy and embarrassed or flamboyant and OTT, he opted for the latter, hoped his stomach would cooperate as he sang along with the first line ostentatiously, whilst letting Nikki spin in and out of his arms.

'_I know I stand in line until you think you have the time_

_To spend an evening with me_

_And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance_

_You won't be leaving with me,'_

She smirked as she looked at him, but he thought he noticed a sadness dancing behind her eyes.

**He had to leave!**

He didn't know how he was going to make it through the last line. In reality it should be:

'_And then I go and spoil it all by _

_Saying something stupid like: _

_I'm leaving for America in 6 weeks and I'll probably never see you again,'_

But that would never do, it didn't fit with the timing of the song for one, so he pushed it all aside and sang as light heartedly as he could muster,

'_And then I go and spoil it all by _

_Saying something stupid like: I love you.'_

He pulled her in tight again, so he could tuck his head over her shoulder and avoid looking into her eyes. He couldn't bear to see if this was affecting her as badly as it was him. He wasn't sure which was worse; knowing if it was or knowing if it wasn't.

There was one final song in this set and then he would make his excuses and go. He'd call her up later and see if she'd go for a drink with him when he'd had a chance to lay down, get some energy back. He'd tell her then. He couldn't tell her now. The pounding in his head was worse again. The spinning on the spot was doing nothing for his sense of balance. He could sense the eyes of his colleagues on the two of them. But how much worse could it get? Just one more song he told himself and then he could leave. He'd had bad luck so far with the god of music or lyrics or whatever it was that had made the song's he'd heard so disastrously appropriate or inappropriate. He had a vague recollection that Lucifer was the angel in charge of music before he'd been cast out of heaven and today was seemingly not his day off. So maybe the worst was yet to come? But it couldn't get worse than this surely?

'_And then I go and spoil it all by_

_Saying something stupid like: I love you.'_

* * *

**Mack the Knife: Frank Sinatra (or Robbie Williams)**

**Something Stupid: Frank Sinatra and Nancy Sinatra or Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman.**

**You've got to know what song they are going to play next….mwah ha ha ha! Let me know.**


	6. Chapter 6 New York New York

**Congratulations and Lyell Centre nibbles to Tigpop and Charlotte for guessing the next song and thanks to all who reviewed. And just because I forgot earlier, all recogniseable characters belong to the BBC no infringement intended.**

* * *

**Chapter Six New York New York**

But it did get worse.

There was less shuffling from the stage at the end of the second Sinatra song. The trombonist passed Stella's trumpet to her. Frank went back to his saxophone and a couple more trumpets appeared out of the black boxes on the stage.

"And how could we not do this one? Happy July the 4th everyone!"

Harry suddenly went cold, his head was still thumping but now it was accompanied by a low buzzing in his ears. The trumpets began the opening fanfare and his vision became blurry even black at the edges.

'_Dum, dum dum-ti-dum_

_Dum, dum dum-ti dum_

_Dum, dum dum-ti dum daa.'_

He struggled to stay upright as he half ran, half stumbled in what he hoped was the direction of the Lyell Centre. This had just got a whole lot worse. This was a different league of worse. This was probably hell itself.

He barely heard Nikki call after him, or the words of the band as he staggered his way to the safety of the locker room again. It didn't matter, he knew the words to this one and they played mockingly in his head as he retched his stomach contents into the toilet.

'_Start spreading the news_

_I'm leaving today,'_

How had he not seen that one coming? 'New York, New York!' He should have left the moment that kid mentioned Sinatra. He should be huddled under his duvet by now with enough paracetamol to knock out a rhino, and a bucket. What did he think he was doing? He rinsed out his mouth and washed his face and then without the energy to make it to the wooden bench, got down on his elbows and knees on the floor where he was and rested his head on his hands.

The moment Leo had heard the trumpets he had abandoned the beer tent and flown towards Nikki. He'd seen Harry run in the other direction with the face of a rookie cop at his first post mortem. As much as he and Harry had disagreed recently, as much as he was glad in a way that Harry was leaving because he wouldn't have to suffer his looks, or comments about his life; part of Leo was in fear. Not fear for himself, his own life was a mess, there was nothing to fear there, nothing left he could lose. He'd lost it all already. But there was one thing he could still lose and that was Nikki's happiness.

All he cared about was that Harry's departure did not take the one thing away from him that made life worth getting up for in the morning and going to work. A day with the brightness and the effervescence that was Nikki. Sure, she had good days and bad days, but her optimism, her dogged determination and her high track record of results just made his world a better place. He knew what they had was complicated and he had begged Harry to let her in at the beginning of his job search, to prepare her for what was to come. But Harry would not be told, and not by Leo and Leo realised that his recent behaviour had robbed him of the authority to tell Harry what to do.

He had spent the last few minutes watching them dancing together. In some ways they were perfect for each other, he had always seen their mutual affection and Harry's possessiveness and concern. He'd found it rather charming. But he also understood what kept them apart. All three of them had journeyed on life's darker paths, with grief and abandonment for friends; combining all that grief and heartache was always going to be dangerous; that much pain brought the critical mass limit alarmingly close and then they would all implode under the weight of their sorrow.

Leo had moved so quickly, Nikki had only been without a partner for seconds before he'd arrived to take Harry's place.

"Do you know what's up with Harry?" Nikki asked.

"Not exactly," Leo replied evasively. "He probably stopped at the kebab van on the way here."

"Yes, I said that earlier, but he swore he hadn't."

"It's a great party Nikki, thanks for organising the band. This will certainly be one to remember," Leo said by way of changing the subject.

"Do you think I should go and check on him?" Nikki asked as the song came to a close.

"I'm sure he's just had a bit much to drink," Leo answered.

"I don't think so," Nikki mumbled, her forehead screwing up as she puzzled through the evidence.

"Just be gentle with him," Leo said cryptically.

"Gentle?" and with that she made her own way across to the Lyell Centre, continuing to work through all she had observed as she would in a case.

He had looked off colour, not quite been himself, he'd already admitted to one emergency trip to the bathroom. Maybe he really did have a bug. But he was fine seconds before. It was only when the band played 'New York, New York,' that he'd run and there really couldn't be any significance to that. Could there?

And Leo, he'd been acting strangely. 'Be gentle' what did it all mean?

* * *

**New York, New York: Frank Sinatra**


	7. Chapter 7 You Know I'm No Good

**Chapter Seven You Know I'm No Good**

The band had gone back to more contemporary numbers and Stella was singing as Nikki made her way across to the Lyell Centre. He must be ill, that was the only explanation.

"Harry? Harry!" she called as she checked the office area. The place was deserted.

"Harry?"

Harry could hear her getting closer, he could hear the click clack of her heels but he hadn't the energy to answer her. He thought back to dancing with her moments before and mentally estimated the unfeasible height of her heels as they had danced shoulder to shoulder.

"Harry?"

The coolness of the floor had gone a long way to calm his stomach, but with each click clack he could feel the bile rising in his throat and he crawled his way back to a stall.

"Harry? Are you in here?"

He hoped the noise of him vomiting answered her question.

"Ah, yes you are." She didn't feel the need to add the pleasantry 'Are you alright?' It was obvious he wasn't.

"Are you sure you didn't stop at the kebab van? Or have you been eating all the out of date yoghurts in the staff fridge again! I mean that was some exit. If you were trying to make a scene you'd be hard pressed to beat that one. One minute you're fine and dancing away and the next you break the land speed record in search of a toilet, looking greener than Shrek. And for no apparent reason whatsoever; you're dancing was pretty co-ordinated for you, so I know you're not drunk. And all over Frank Sinatra! Frank Sinatra? I ask you. If I didn't know you better I'd think you were actually leaving and moving to New York! As if that were likely to be true! Wouldn't that be weird? It might well make you want to throw up though, dancing away to 'I'm leaving today…'" she chuckled lightly to herself at the end of her soliloquy.

Silence

"Harry?"

Silence

"Harry?" her voice had gone up a notch and she could feel her pulse quicken.

"Harry!"

SILENCE

"Harry, say it's not true. Is that what Leo meant? Be gentle. Harry are you leaving?"

Silence

"Harry?" her voice was quieter this time, the truth taking hold of her.

Harry slowly opened the toilet door and made his way to the sink, washing his face and hands and rinsing his mouth out.

"Harry?" she asked more gently still.

He raised his water soaked face to look at her and nodded; Nikki sat down heavily on the hard wooden bench behind her.

"New York?" she asked flatly.

He nodded again.

"Is it a good position?"

Another nod.

"You're going soon?"

"Late August," his voice was thick, husky.

"When were you planning on telling me?"

Harry ran his still wet hands through his hair, making it more unruly looking than ever. "I was going to tell you today, I only found out for definite on Tuesday."

It was Nikki's turn to nod now. "You've finally found somewhere quiet, somewhere you've always wanted."

"I hope so," he muttered before his body began retching again. But there was nothing left in his stomach.

"Then I'm very happy for you," Nikki said hastily wiping away a rogue tear.

"Nikki…" Harry tried to move towards her but as soon as he let go of the sink unit, he lost balance. Nikki darted across to catch him.

"Harry you're a mess. Come on, let's get you home," she said. She placed her arms around his waist and hoisted him more upright in an effort to support him, and then slowly they made their way out. He was heavy and unnaturally hot; she could feel his body shaking with fever and hear him mumbling apologies as they stumbled their way through the Lyell Centre.

"You should have gone home hours ago, Harry. You're really sick Harry. Why did you stay?"

He caught her eye but didn't answer. He didn't need to; she knew exactly why he'd stayed this time… this time. His skin was so hot, she had trouble holding on to him so she half propped him over her shoulder.

Harry hated being weak, hated leaning on others physically or metaphorically. It was one of the reasons he had told himself it would be good to move on. But his head hurt so furiously and resting it against Nikki's soft hair made it just bearable somehow.

Why had he stayed? Because…because… this time he could stay and next time he would be gone. How had he ever thought he was good enough for her? He hadn't even had the balls to tell her, she'd figured it all out herself. He was useless he didn't even know what to say to her so he just let her help him through the office. She manhandled him out to the car park and into the passenger seat of his car. He managed his own seatbelt and reached into his pocket to hold out the keys as she made her way to the driver's side.

"Do you need a bucket? I know how you feel about your upholstery."

Harry shook his head, but gingerly.

"Just take me home, please." he said weakly and closed his eyes.

Nikki expertly adjusted the seat and mirror. She' got used to driving Harry's car in the last year or so. Not that she drove it far or often; it depended how many miles he clocked up. Ever since Hungary he'd not had a good relationship with petrol. He'd tried a couple of times to refuel but with disastrous consequences and so what had turned out as a quick favour early on had become a regular event. He'd leave his keys on his or her desk and at some point during the day Nikki would whizz it round to the garage and fill it up. He always left her a treat on the passenger seat; usually a Kit Kat, occasionally flowers or the latest thriller that they always shared anyway.

"You're an idiot," Nikki said quietly.

"I know I'm no good." Harry mumbled.

The rest of the journey passed in silence, as Harry kept his eyes firmly closed and Nikki gripped the wheel so tightly her nails dug into the heel of her hands.

* * *

**You know I'm no Good: Amy Winehouse**

**Ahhh poor Harry... am I being evil enough for you yet?**


	8. Chapter 8 You Got A Friend In Me

**Thanks for sticking with the angst, especially tigpop, Kiwisfan and Charlotte.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight You Got a Friend in Me**

Harry was almost asleep by the time Nikki parked his car outside his flat.

"Come on, sleeping beauty. Time to go to bed," Nikki said in an attempt to coax him out of the car.

He tried to raise an eyebrow in response to her suggestion but she wouldn't look him in the eye. She hadn't shouted at him (yet). She hadn't really given any reaction. He wasn't actually sure what he was expecting. He'd not even really thought about how he was going to tell her, but he had thought about what her reaction to it would be. A part of him had flattered himself in to thinking that she would fall to her knees and scream and beg him not to go, but he knew deep down that that wouldn't happen. She was too proud, too stubborn and too independent. But he'd expected more than this. What was this?

This, silence…acceptance… carry on as usual…maybe it was just the calm before the storm. Maybe she just realised he was in no shape to fight with her today and she was putting it off until the sides were more evenly matched, before she laid into him.

He followed her meekly into his flat and went straight to his bedroom. He could hear her bustling about. She put a glass of water, some paracetamol and a bowl by the bed.

"Have you got any domperidone?" she asked.

"There's nothing left to come out," he answered seriously.

"Loperamide?"

"Likewise,"

"Don't drink all the water at once, it will just aggravate your stomach," she insisted.

"Yes mum," he mumbled.

"What about dioralyte? You must have some of that knocking around. It's brilliant for hangovers."

"Is it?"

"Yes! Didn't you know?"

"Try the cabinet in the bathroom." Harry suggested.

Nikki disappeared into the bathroom, and stayed in there much longer than Harry anticipated for someone looking for a box of medicinal sachets. He began to wonder what else he had stacked neatly in the bathroom cupboard that could be of such interest, when she reappeared holding a cloth and an antibacterial surface spray.

"I've got a virus Nikki!"

"Yeah, well it'll make me feel better," she said and busied herself wiping down the door handles and light switches.

"I hope you don't catch it,"

"Me too," Nikki agreed.

Harry had sips of the water and managed to take one of the tablets. His head was feeling heavy and sleepy, but not as painful as before. He wondered if Nikki was planning on staying. She'd still have time to get back to the party if she left now.

"You could take my car, if you want to go back," he suggested. "Leave it at work and I'll pick it up later, or drive it back here and I'll take you home."

"Thanks Harry. Is there anything else you need?" she asked re-entering the bedroom.

"I've got my bucket and my phone. I'll be fine." Harry paused. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

"Call me when you wake up, that way I won't wake you if I call you."

"You wake me?" Harry tried to laugh but the muscles in his stomach hurt too much and instead he grimaced.

"Don't tell me this is why you're moving 3000 miles away…so that when I call you at 3am it will only in fact be 10pm and you'll still be awake."

"Now you come to mention it…" he smiled. "No Nikki; that is not why I'm going."

She looked at him hopefully, wondering if he was able to enlighten her as to why he was going but she could see the glassiness of his eyes and the perspiration on his forehead.

"Get some rest Harry. I'll talk to you later."

She turned to leave.

"Nikki!" He called after her. "Do you mind putting the TV on for me. So there's a bit of noise when I wake up. Any channel whatever comes on."

"OK," she called back. "Err, it's an animation… an asthmatic penguin maybe?"

"You're sure?"

"What about the asthma?"

"Could it be emthysema?"

"Harry! You can't autopsy an animated penguin that's still breathing, albeit badly! Go to sleep!"

"You said it was animated, so it's not actually alive!"

"It's not dead either." She paused, "Harry?"

"Mmm?"

"Get some sleep!"

"Bye!" he called. He listened to the door click closed and then heard the rasping voice of the penguin with lung issues.

'_You've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

_When the road looks rough ahead_

_And you're miles and miles_

_From your nice warm bed_

_Just remember what your old pal said_

_Boy, you've got a friend in me.'_

* * *

**You Got A Friend in Me: Randy Newman (Wheezy) Toy Story.**

**Domperidone: drug name, more common trade name is Motilium, stops you feeling sick.**

**Loperamide: drug name, more common trade name is Immodium, stops the diarrhoea.**

**It's just a bug…honest Charlotte : )**


	9. Chapter 9 I Will Survive

**Chapter Nine I Will Survive**

The traffic was busier as Nikki made the return journey to work, the Saturday shoppers were all giving up and making their way home. The traffic lights seemed to take an age to change and the longer she sat still, the longer she waited at the lights and junctions the more she began to think through the implications of Harry's revelation.

Except it wasn't Harry's revelation at all. She'd figured it out. Figured it out from a damn Sinatra song and the look on Harry's face as he'd run from her. Why was he doing this? She began thumping the steering wheel in frustration, mid-thump she realised she was in Harry's car and paused her hands motionless in the air; then realised again that this was Harry's car, her now ex best friend and brought her hands down even more viciously than before. She inadvertently hit the horn, setting off a chain reaction of honking from a number of other frazzled drivers. Fortunately the lights changed and she was able to escape.

She'd go back to the party briefly, thank the band, check Leo was ok, help tidy up a bit and then go and hide with as many bottles of wine she could find in her flat. Oh and she'd promised to speak to Harry.

Harry.

Stupid, stupid, idiotic Harry.

'And what did she do when she found out this man was leaving?' she asked herself. Fussed and mothered him, took care of him, cleaned up after him. She should have punched him in the face.

Stupid, stupid, stupid man.

She was surprised to see a car parked in her space at work until she realised it was her own car parked in her space and she put Harry's in the space next to hers. She could hear the distant sound of laughter and some music playing but it was obvious the party was winding down.

She looked round but didn't notice Leo. She spotted Frank the saxophonist chatting to Stella. They both jumped as if Nikki had caught them sharing a spliff not sharing a conversation.

"Thanks for playing today; I've heard so many rave reviews from everyone I've spoken to." Nikki said.

"Yeah, we thought it went really well," Frank replied.

"I didn't know if it would be to everyone's taste," Stella suggested.

"With a voice like yours, I think you can appreciate it whatever the style." Nikki insisted.

"Thanks," Stella giggled.

"So you got the money I sorted earlier for you."

"Yes, thanks, it'll keep us in beer for a while yet." Frank laughed.

"And food of course," Stella added.

"You've got our number, if you ever need us again, just give me a call."

"I promise," Nikki replied. "I'm not sure there'll be one like this for a while though." 'One to remember,' that had been what Leo had said. She'd remember this one alright but for all the wrong reasons. Maybe she should skip the tidying up part and just go straight to drinking. There was a group of women chatting that she recognised from a student welfare meeting she'd had to attend.

"Hi Nikki!" a dark haired woman called out as Nikki approached the group. "I'm Sally, do you remember, we met…"

"At the student welfare meeting,"

Nikki waved a hand towards the other four women in the group. She needed alcohol but she wasn't sure she needed company and not this chatty lot. Someone passed her a glass of wine.

"We were just talking about the hottest shows in town at the moment. Have you seen any recently?"

"Err, not recently." Nikki answered. "Does Mamma Mia count?"

"That's like fifty years old!" one of the others replied.

"If you wait a bit you could go and see the Rolling Stones, aren't they on tour again?"

"I wanted to take my boyfriend," the young redhead replied indignantly, "not my Grandad!"

"I still say the best show is the 'Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.' I'm Nisha by the way." Nisha nodded and smiled in Nikki's direction. But Nikki wasn't in the frame of mind for chitchat.

"Pardon?" Sally said emphatically. "The words ukulele and orchestra do not belong in the same sentence. Are you sure?"

Nikki began to tune out, but Nisha was insistent and claimed the group were amazing. Seven people all sat round in smart evening wear looking like a regular boring old music group and then out come the ukulele's and the most amazing songs from classical to Sinatra to Nirvana, but done on ukuleles and sometimes all at the same time.

"Not more Sinatra," Nikki mumbled.

"Sounds hideous,"

"It has to be seen to be believed," Nisha claimed. "It's all on YouTube."

"So no one's got anything else, no other ideas for great nights out?" Sally asked. "Harry must have taken you to lots of interesting places," Sally looked towards Nikki.

"Crime scenes mostly," she replied only half aware of the question.

"Nikki!"

"Look we're not a couple OK, we're colleagues," she asserted. 'But not for much longer,' her inner voice taunted her.

"Errm, sorry, I've erm I've got to go. Nice meeting you all." She left her untouched glass and fled back to the car park.

* * *

**I will survive: Gloria Gaynor or and preferably Hester Goodman from the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. YouTube 'ukulele orchestra Fly me off the Handel', you have to watch until at least 'I will survive,' or start at 2:50 but you'll be confused! It's a perfect demonstration of all the voices churning around in Nikki's head. You have to review though if it makes you smile or stare!**


	10. Chapter 10 The Scientist

**Thanks again to my lovely reviewers.**

* * *

**Chapter Ten The Scientist (Nobody Said it was Easy)**

Despite the alleged summer season, her house felt cold. She ran her hand across her forehead and neck to see if she had any signs of Harry's fever. She had scrubbed her hands hard before she'd left. She'd even wiped down his steering wheel. She'd felt nauseated earlier but that was just an instinctive reaction to hearing him be so violently ill; it was some kind of evolutionary trait to avoid being poisoned, she supposed. Someone had probably written a paper on it somewhere.

She stumbled aimlessly around her house, surprised at how much of it reminded her of him. He'd only been there a couple of days.

Why? She asked herself. Why had he decided to go now? She knew he'd been having problems… disagreements with Leo but that wasn't enough to make him move to the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. She knew they'd had their own disagreements in the past but she couldn't think of any recently. Not major ones anyway. She had genuinely enjoyed having him stay with her at her house. Could that be it? Had she scared him away? Had two days of domesticity been enough to send him back to his twenty somethings? He had run out of girls in London, he'd admitted that a year or so ago. Or could he actually have realised he did care for someone? That he did care for her and was running away to protect himself from more pain.

Stupid man!

Did he really think that moving to America was going to provide him with any better life than he had here? A job title and a swanky office maybe? Surely he had realised by now that wherever in the world you travel, the one thing that doesn't change is you.

Did he want her to beg him not to go? Well he'd made his own decision. She wasn't one to beg.

He'd have been better off moving to York, or Leeds or Durham anywhere closer but not that close and then there'd meet up a couple of times for formalities sake and then quickly decide that spending 3 or more hours each way in the company of Network Rail on a precious weekend was not worth the effort. They could exchange a few emails and then get on with their lives, on home territory where it would all come naturally.

But America? That left a lot of complications. He'd obviously not really thought this through, or he would realise how much he would still need her and not just for something as simple as putting petrol in his car.

Someone would have to sell his car for him, after he'd left. Sort out the paperwork for the DVLA, tax disc. Cancel his phone contract and fend off the calls begging him to rejoin the network. There were postal redirections, tax returns, utility bills, his flat, the list would be endless.

She took another swig of wine, turning off her music as Coldplay began and flicked on the TV knowing that however cross she was; however disappointed; that at some point in the next six weeks or so, before or after the enormous shouting match that was inevitable. He would realise he needed someone to take care of all of these details and she would acquiesce to his pleading and look after him just as she had done today. She wasn't going to beg; but he would.

Why had she helped him today?

Why would she help him tomorrow? And the day after? And the day after that?

Because she loved him?

That was true but it was too simplistic an answer. He had just told her in a roundabout way he was leaving her. That should have been enough for her to have turned on her heels and left him where he was. She'd always loved him but it wasn't any of the dictionary definitions of love, she seemed to have invented her own and she would do anything for him. He was like family to her. No scratch that she thought. He was her family; her only family. The only other person she cared for with an intensity was Leo, she had broken to pieces when it looked like he was facing death but to be brutally honest it was more anger than grief. It wasn't what she shared with Harry.

So why when she knew she would do anything for him, could she not let him do the one thing he wanted? To let him leave her. She couldn't do it because she had realised that just like travelling to a new place never frees you of yourself. Wherever she went in life, he would always be part of her. He would always be with her. She'd seen the preview that time in Hungary. The time she thought she'd never have him back. That short time where the truth dawned, that in the near decade they had spent together he had had more of an impact on her and for longer than anyone else in her entire life. She didn't really remember much before she was five so that reduced her mother's influence. She needn't mention her father. Her Gran possibly…but how much does a young woman really understand her grandmother. Not the way she understood Harry. Today was the prime example. He hadn't even had to tell her and she had figured it all out.

So his leaving now would change their relationship, over time and with the distance its strength would diminish but what he would think, and what he would say, and what he would do, and how he would act in any situation had somewhere along the line become her benchmark for judging her own actions and reactions. It was just how she was; how they were. He was part of her, they were connected and wherever he was in the world, living or dead there was nothing that would change that.

No wonder the entire faculty assumed they were a couple.

She finished her glass and then jumped as her phone rang.

"Hi Harry, how are you?"

"Sleepy," came the disjointed reply.

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I'll be fine. Thanks again for everything today."

"No problem," she said but she could feel the tears she'd kept at bay all day threatening to spill over. She didn't really know what else to say. There was a long silence. Harry obviously didn't know either.

"I'm sorry Nikki,"

"You can't help being ill," Nikki replied but realised that was probably not what he was apologising for.

"No, not that…"

"I'm sorry too," she interrupted.

There was another long pause.

"You're going to be alright then?" she asked.

"Yep, think so. I've had some water and kept it down. I can even sit up a bit but not for long."

"That's good,"

"Bye then," he said his voice distant already.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"Bye."

She ended the call and stood up to go to bed, cradling the phone in her hand, the tears pouring unchecked down her face. 'One night,' she said to herself. One night to be weak and then she would redesign and rebuild her defence system and carry on. She brushed her teeth, switched off the bathroom light, walked straight past her own bed and climbed into the one in the spare room.

* * *

**The Scientist: Coldplay**


	11. Chapter 11 Irreplaceable

**Chapter Eleven Irreplaceable**

Harry didn't make it back to the office until Weds. He'd been bored at home, but every time he sat up for longer than an hour his head started to buzz and his vision became blurry so he had had no choice. Tuesday had been better but he still found himself falling asleep the moment he sat down. It had given him plenty of time to think. It didn't seem to have got him much further but it had given him time to think.

He had been shocked at how calm Nikki had been, and in the days since when she had called him, or dropped in to force feed him toast and sport rehydration drinks. It was her comment about him moving just so she could phone him up at 3am and he'd still be awake that had upset him. She seemed to be taking it all so light heartedly. He had thought he had known her and this just went to prove he knew nothing about her at all. Perhaps nobody did. For her to be so calm it must mean that she didn't feel as strongly for him as he did for her and that hurt.

But what really worried him was her underlying assumption that nothing was going to change between them. That he still would be the prime candidate for her midnight phone calls. He had wanted to move away to make a break between them. To give them both a chance to start afresh without their attraction or their friendship hanging like a sword over any new relationship either of them had. But that one quick comment seemed to suggest that however far he went, he would never get that new start.

Staring up at his ceiling, his body still weak he questioned whether he really did want a new start. He'd been naïve again. He'd still compare every new girlfriend to her just as he'd always done. He would go physically to America in six weeks, his plane ticket was booked. But would he be able to actually leave? He was starting to have major doubts.

Leo had called Nikki into his office on the Monday of Harry's absence to talk about his 'replacement.'

"You said he was irreplaceable," she pouted.

"That's true, but we can't manage the work load between us," Leo replied.

"What about a couple of students?" Nikki suggested.

"They'd probably be cheaper than Harry," Leo admitted. "And Harry would think it took two people to take over his job; that should soothe his ego."

"Yes, but they'd only be students," Nikki said derisively.

"Are you alright?" Leo asked, softening his features from his boss face to something kindlier.

"It is an excellent position," Nikki said.

"That's not what I asked," Leo replied.

"Oh Leo, we've had our chances. Harry's only ever interested in the thrill of the chase. It would nev…" but Nikki stopped she couldn't bring herself to say it, 'that it would never work out between them' because if Harry could just get it together for long enough it really could work out between them. "Bloody idiot," she concluded.

"That's the spirit!" said Leo giving her a friendly pat on the back. "Now any axe murderers to chase down today? I'll start drafting that job advert."

Nikki went back to her desk. Her desk, she could sit wherever she liked now and Harry wouldn't keep banging on about it. She could leave her coffee mugs anywhere and she'd never have to listen to his chiding. She checked over some toxicology results that had been left in a brown envelope on her desk. She scattered the papers across both the desks. It was very quiet.

Is this what it was going to be like?

Her eyes looked up every few minutes as if to find him sat there. Maybe it had become a reflex over the years to keep an eye out for the paper balls that he flicked at her when she was most engrossed in her work. She looked back to the report and turned over the page. So it would be different. It would be quiet. She'd get an awful lot more done.

No, that wasn't true.

Yes, he distracted her.

Yes, he was childish and annoying.

Yes, he was always leaning over her and watching her but she'd grown accustomed to that. But being without him wouldn't make her work quicker. It wouldn't make up for all the time that was saved when they worked as a team. The quickest way to solve a case was to share it with Harry and together they could decipher the evidence in record time. She looked around the office space and wondered how they could rearrange it to accommodate two more desks. Maybe she could have a new bigger desk to herself and leave them to share her current work space. She looked back to the empty chair. There was no way she could let her desk go and Harry's desk had to stay too she decided. Leo wouldn't like it but she had bigger things to worry about.

* * *

**Irreplaceable: Beyonce**

**Thanks to all who are reading and enjoying this. Did I mention I like reviews ; )**


	12. Chapter 12 Rolling In The Deep

**Sorry it's been so long and only one today, but it is a long one... Harry hugs to everyone reading and Happy New Year.**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve Rolling in the Deep**

_There's a fire starting in my heart_

_Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark_

_Finally I can see you crystal clear_

_Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare_

It was another couple of weeks before the inevitable argument occurred. It had been brewing ever since Nikki had guessed that Harry was actually leaving but for those first couple of weeks after Harry's illness, they had worked alongside each other in amicable intolerance. Leo had made sure they had different cases and neither of them felt the need to share. But there was no way it could last. The tremors were becoming more frequent and the cracks between them getting wider; it was only a matter of time before the earthquake struck.

Predictably there was no major trigger, nothing to suggest that this particular Friday was the day when everything on the surface would shift and the rift created would release all that had been hidden to spew out in an ugly red hot stream of verbal abuse. But today was the day and nothing more than a stupid overheard conversation with Mrs Golding was the trigger.

"I will look into your daughter's case." Nikki had heard Harry saying to the distraught dark haired woman in the office.

"It will take a while to combine all the evidence, and there are a number of tests I would like to redo, and then we will have to wait for the results of those as well, but if you are totally sure that this behaviour is completely out of character for your daughter then it is worth doing a little more research."

Harry was speaking in his gentlest voice, and with every word Nikki could feel her anger growing.

"The police just haven't seemed interested. The minute there was a suggestion of drugs they have just assumed it was an overdose, and I know it wasn't. They don't know my precious girl, they never met my Megan. They don't…" Harry passed Mrs Golding a tissue and patted her encouragingly on the arm.

"I will do everything I can, Mrs Golding." Harry said. Nikki noticed the overt use of his client's name and the eye contact he made. His bedside manner when he bothered to use it was as brilliant as the rest of his work. It was a shame it was all learnt, it didn't work so well when he had to go off script, she knew that at personal cost.

"But it won't happen overnight, these things take time," he continued calmly. Nikki pushed her chair back from her desk; she couldn't listen to it anymore, not without the danger of crying out herself. She hurried out to the locker room, pursing her lips tightly together to keep in the scream.

"What on earth's the matter with you?" Harry asked moments later. He'd obviously been able to placate Mrs Golding quickly and get her to leave.

"What's the matter with me?" Nikki repeated aghast. "Harry! You have just spent the last ten minutes telling that woman that you will investigate her daughter's death."

"Yes, that's our job." Harry replied sarcastically.

"It might be my job." Nikki stopped, hoping that she wouldn't have to spell out the details. He was stood in front of her, his face a picture of concern and innocence. She on the other hand was on fire and his calmness just exacerbated her anger.

She stared into his eyes, willing him to make some acknowledgement of his error. Not leave it to her to do all the work for him again.

The seconds pulsed by like a silent drum beat.

"Nikki, I don't understand," he said simply.

"How long does it take for a complete blood and tox screen to come back when the DI isn't screaming at the lab every hour on the hour?"

"I don't know; a week or so?"

Nikki continued to glare at him.

"Is that what's made you angry?" he asked.

"And after all the paper work has come back, and every angle has been investigated, and you have done everything in your power to find out what really killed Megan Golding, when exactly do you suppose you would be able to present your findings to Mrs Golding?"

"Two, three…four weeks max," he said flippantly.

Nikki stared at him again, waiting for him to see the light. How could he be so clueless when her consciousness was scorched and branded be his imminent departure? Finally she saw the truth dawn, the way his eyes flickered with sadness. He didn't seem angry, just disappointed.

But Nikki couldn't stop.

"Three, four weeks max," she sneered. "And are you planning on video conferencing the results to Mrs Golding? Doesn't your plane leave in three weeks? So don't ask me why I'm angry when you go making promises that YOU can't keep! Promises that I will be left to sort out despite this being none of my doing. That girl probably took an overdose, and was very good at hiding her drug use from her doting and over-zealous mother! So thanks very much Harry, thanks for landing me with another of your sob stories, where I'll get to be the villain and tell that poor woman that she never really understood her daughter and it will be me that will damage the cherished memory she has of her daughter forever. Not you! Me! You go ahead, leave go find yourself somewhere quiet where you can lock yourself away; don't you worry about us in the real world, clearing up your shit. You just go ahead and leave!" Nikki wiped her mouth on the back of her hand.

"I err… I forgot," Harry said lamely.

"You forgot!" Nikki's heart was still racing; fuming at the stupidity of the man before her. Every second of every minute of every day as she sat at work facing him she was aware of the clock ticking of their time running out. "You forgot!" she repeated incredulously.

"Yes, I forgot! I've been trying these last few weeks to do everything as I usually would, business as normal, work 'til the end and all that. I've been doing this for a decade Nikki. I forgot or I just didn't think."

"No, you didn't think did you Harry? All it takes is for some woman to turn on the waterworks and your brain flies into some overdrive mode, you'll promise anything just to make them stop. It works every time for them doesn't it? But it doesn't work with me does it? You don't care how I feel. You don't ask me those questions. You don't look me in the eye and promise me everything will be alright because we both know that's bullshit. But you don't ever ask me how I feel because then we actually might know where we are and that's just not allowed in Harry World is it? It all gets messy when you start to feel things."

"That's not true," Harry interrupted.

"Oh, not true? As not true as applying for jobs overseas without telling me? We're supposed to be friends!

"I didn't know what I was looking for, I just started looking. I didn't know…"

"Save it," she cut him off. "There's a lot you don't know!" She turned away from him.

"Then tell me," he said quietly.

"It's a bit late for that isn't it!" she spat back ungraciously but without turning.

"You can talk to me, we still have three weeks."

"Three weeks? What does your ego still need a boost?" she turned back to him, her eyes flashing with rage. "A top job at NYU still not enough to satisfy you? Is this what you want? Is this what you're waiting for? Have you been waiting these last weeks for me to scream and cry and beg you to stay and tell you life's not worth living without you?"

"I…errm"

"Well don't flatter yourself Harry Cunningham because I'll do just fine without you, thank you and I know you, and your mind's made up, so I'm not going to humiliate myself. Would you change your mind? Would you stay here with me because I begged you? No, you wouldn't Harry and if you did you'd feel trapped like a caged animal and you really think that's what I want? You think that's what I value in our friendship?"

"I don't know."

"Well, as I've said before, there's a lot you don't know."

"And now isn't the time to tell me?"

"No, it's not the time to tell you. You've made your decision, go and live happily and quietly among the Yanks and you'll never have to fuss with another tox report ever again. But don't think for one moment that life just carries on as normal, that we just carry on as normal because nothing will ever be the same."

She stared at him defiantly, her rage unchecked and breathing heavily.

"Just go away Harry," she spat her voice little more than a growl. "Just go away and don't come back."

* * *

**Rolling in the Deep: Adele**


	13. Chapter 13 This Ain't A Love Song

**Happy New Year everyone, sorry for the long gap. This one is quite high up on the angst-o-meter, hope you enjoy! Thanks especially to Freya82, KiwiSWFan, Ela Plume-en-sucre and owl-eats-waffles. Oh and it was one chapter that I split to two, so I'm cheating a bit on the song titles.**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen This Ain't A Love Song This is Goodbye**

_And I'm a little bit lost without you, and I'm a bloody big mess inside._

"Can I come in?" Harry asked nervously as he stood at Nikki's door at three o'clock in the afternoon, the Sunday after their big row, disguised behind a large bunch of sunflowers. The flowers looked bright, cheerful and optimistic; the polar opposite of Nikki's mood.

She stood and glared at him for a while but the flowers distracted her. It was hard to be gloomy when surrounded by such vivacity.

"Sorry," he added for good measure and held the flowers out to her.

"I told you not to come back," she said leaving him dangling the flowers in front of her.

"I'm not a very good listener," he admitted. "A friend told me once, there was a lot I didn't know; I'm trying to find out," he held the flowers out towards her again.

She stared at him, willing the heat of her anger from Friday to return but there was none left; only glacial sadness. She gave him a weak smile.

"Thank you Harry, they're lovely," she said on auto pilot. She took them through to the kitchen to find a vase, asked if he wanted tea, tried to talk nonsense to delay the part that would inevitably come next but she had to pause for breath eventually.

"Nikki," he said quietly.

She clattered mugs, cups and spoons; shutting him out; shutting everything out.

"Nikki!" he said his voice stern and rising in pitch at the end.

But she continued to ignore him and attend to the flowers, attempting to cut down the stems with scissors too small for the job and grunted with frustration when the stem split instead of cut.

"Nikki!" Harry said again but this time he reached out to touch her arm.

"Please don't!" she cried pulling her arm out of his reach.

Harry instantly reacted to her flinch; his hand felt like it was burning but he didn't step away from her. "Don't what?" he cried. "I haven't done anything Nikki. You're the one who is massacring those flowers and failing to make me tea."

Nikki glared at him.

"I've come round to apologise and I brought you some flowers."

"Then apologise and go," she said without meeting his eye, but turning towards him, the too small scissors in her hand pointed at him.

"I wanted to talk Nikki," he said quietly, his body still and calm and in her personal space as usual.

"What because now we only have three weeks left!" she replied bitterly.

"We don't just have three weeks left," he answered. She looked up then, unsure as to whether he had changed his mind. He took the scissors out of her hand being careful to not actually touch her and placed them on the counter. "Just because I'm leaving the Lyell Centre doesn't mean we can't ever talk again."

Nikki laughed in his face. "You can be blindingly stupid for a man so accomplished!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asked.

Nikki turned and moved away from him. "No, this was supposed to be your apology Harry, I'm sure you rehearsed it, I want to hear it now you're here. It had better be good." She leant back on the kitchen counter and waited, taunting him silently.

"Why are you being like this?"

"Being like what, Harry? Acting emotional? Acting like I care? Acting like I might be a bit upset at the idea of losing you?"

"You're not losing me," he insisted.

"No, I'm not losing you at all, I'll have more of you now than I ever had before," she said sullenly.

Harry raised his eyebrows, puzzled by her statement.

"You don't even know why; do you?"

Harry shook his head, but remained where he was. This was all going terribly wrong. He had wanted to come and apologise, explain his reasons for going, wish her well for the future with the hope that she could find someone worthy of her, someone much better than he was but the easy rapport they had had over the years had evaporated the moment she found out he was leaving.

He turned away from her and began to work on the flowers, cutting the stems and placing them carefully in the vase. He could feel her watching him. What was he doing? He was so confused, what did she mean when she said she would have more of him now? He could understand why she was angry but she was acting as if he wasn't leaving her to be free to move on but by leaving he would become a burden to her, like an albatross to be carried forever around her neck.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly when he couldn't fiddle any longer with the flowers.

"This hair brained scheme of yours to change your life and move to the other side of the Atlantic; have you actually considered how it is all going to work?"

"Of course I have!" Harry declared backing away and preparing for a second round of air strikes. He really hadn't wanted another fight. "This is not something I thought up after another all-nighter if that's what you're suggesting."

"Then why are you going?"

"Because….because…"

"Harry! You don't even know do you? How is this supposed to make any sense when you don't even know what you're doing?"

"How dare you Nikki? I know exactly why I'm leaving; I've been offered a great position and I've decided to take it."

"You just can't handle it!"

"Nikki! Why are you doing this?"

"Why am I doing this? You're the one leaving!"

"I'm trying to do the best for us," he cried in exasperation.

"No you're not," she said pushing away from the counter top and taking a step towards him.

"You are running away! You're running away from your next big birthday, you're running away from me and you're running away from THIS!" she threw her hands up in the air.

"What's THIS?" Harry asked.

"THIS!" said Nikki, stepping right into his space, threading her hands through his hair, her face inches from his, eye to eye, the proximity and attraction causing them both to tremble but neither willing to be the first to back off or move in closer. Nikki could feel a heart thumping but she was so close to Harry she couldn't tell if it was his heart or hers?

"Running away won't solve anything," she whispered and gave him a push on the chest.

He grabbed her wrists tightly, so she didn't move as far away from him as she wanted, and he pulled her back in close. "I am NOT running away! And are you really suggesting that with three weeks left; now is the time to investigate THIS?" he growled; their faces even closer than before. He looked deep into her eyes and started to back her towards the counter. He saw her expression change as he took control, the steeliness gone and something else there, something primal, something greedy. Something that flickered occasionally, something he saw when she was with her 'other' men. He had wondered if that's what she actually wanted from him, for him to be dominant, to bang her against a wall somewhere; figuratively and literally. He did a quick scan of the kitchen; the fridge would probably take it but he knew he wouldn't go through with it. It would end with him being consigned to her scrap heap of useless bastards. Well he wouldn't give her the satisfaction…but she was so close…and she smelt so good.

* * *

**This ain't a love song; this is goodbye: Scouting for Girls.**


	14. Chapter 14 This Is Goodbye

**Chapter Fourteen This Ain't a Love Song this is Goodbye**

_The mean looks and the same old frustrations_

_I never thought that we'd throw it all away_

She held his gaze stubbornly but still refused to move in closer; he was leaving; the distance was his problem. But Harry was stubborn too, every fibre of his body was desperate to taste her, feel her lips under his, she was magnificent when she was angry but all he could think of was how she had torn her arm away from him earlier.

"You don't really want me," he said sadly pulling away but leaning his forehead against hers.

"Oh Harry, what are we doing?"

"Apparently we're not investigating 'THIS' anymore," he said despondently and turned right away from her.

"THIS? There is nothing to investigate. That's why nothing's ever happened. We're a chimera, the more we look the less we see. THIS has only ever been imagination."

"No, it hasn't!" Harry blurted out, turning back to look at her. Her lies and unresponsiveness made it so hard for him to keep to his plan of breaking away from her and leaving. "Not for me it hasn't," he muttered giving her a little shake and pulling her into his arms. "Not for me!"

She pulled away from him and walked back to her perch, her stare icy cool as she regarded him. First she pulled her arm away from him, and now she had moved to the furthest corner of the kitchen. Her stare might melt ice, but the more impassively she acted the more Harry found his own body wracked with the tell-tale signs of fury. He wasn't just going to stand there and take it. Ten years nearly they had been together. This was not going to be how it ended!

"So if you refuse to believe that THIS, THAT whatever IT was just then is not real and is all in my imagination; which is the worst lie you have ever told by the way. What is so difficult about me going?" Harry asked exasperatedly in response to her challenging stare.

"Because you're leaving! I hate leaving. I hate endings. I hate goodbyes. I hate you," she said with a hiccup that nearly broke the resolve of her steely demeanour.

"You hate me?" he asked but began to close the distance between them.

"Is that why you don't want me to go? Because you hate me?"

"I never said I didn't want you to go," she countered.

"Then what in the hell are we arguing about?"

"We're arguing because you still haven't told me why you are going?"

"I can't help it if you can't cope with endings! Is that why you became a pathologist? So you can explain away everyone's ending, so everything could be neatly and scientifically sewn up and nothing can penetrate that iron clad exterior or yours?"

"I was an anthropologist until I met you," she replied.

"Oh perfect, it means you can create endings for seriously anciently dead people that nobody cares about any more, that's just right for you, you can control every outcome. Well I'm leaving and you're only angry because for once you are not in control!"

"What?" she cried.

"You always have to be in control, you hate it when I make decisions without you even when it's none of your business."

"That's because your decisions are usually to shag highly inappropriate women, in far flung corners of the world!"

"But that just proves it; you hated it when I went to Hungary because despite your fussing over my hair and my passport you weren't in control." He looked up after this little speech, the look in her eyes was wild now; he knew he was treading on dangerous ground they had never really mentioned what had happened in Budapest.

"You let us believe you were dead, Harry!" she snarled.

"And you didn't like being that out of control!"

Nikki threw her hands in front of her face in a gesture of disbelief and pain but she didn't dare fight any longer on that topic just in case what he said was true.

"Harry you're an arsehole and I do hate you!"

"No, you don't" he said evenly. "You don't really hate me."

"I do Harry, I really hate you!"

He took a step toward her; having been the one initially to want to break all contact with her; the arguing was changing his mind. He couldn't leave her like this. "You don't hate me."

"I do," she muttered childishly and poked her tongue out at him.

"I am sorry," he said, taking another step toward her.

"So why are you going?"

"Nikki!"

"Well you're obviously not going to tell me why you're leaving but I thought you'd come to apologise. I haven't heard it yet."

"What?"

"Your apology. I haven't heard it."

"Eh?"

"You haven't apologised yet, just get on with it and hurry up and get out!"

He thought he could see the beginnings of tears in her eyes, but she blinked and the steely look was back.

"Are you going to do a rehearsed speech?" she asked cruelly. "Which one are you going for: let's be friends still? It's not you it's me? You complete me?"

"Nikki!"

"Or are you doing the whole depressing scene? 'As difficult and frustrating as it's been sometimes, your God-damned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over. You kept me honest. You made me a whole person. I owe you everything Scully, and you owe me nothing. I don't know if I want to do this alone. I don't even know if I can.'" She broke off the quote; the look in her eyes slightly hysterical.

"This is not some cheesy movie Nikki; you really think I would stoop so low as to borrow lines from someone else? I'd at least do the decent thing and change the name!" He stepped forward again, invading her personal space, but backed up against the counter she had nowhere to go. "Look Nikki, there are things I very much regret, things I've said or not said, things I've done or not done. You are the only person I have ever let see me at my worst, see me vulnerable, see my deepest darkness and despite it all you have been my constant, through the mediocre, the bad and the utterly atrocious. You are my friend, my truest friend, more than a friend and I love you Nikki, you have to believe me when I tell you that because I know you don't believe it. I know you don't believe that you are beautiful and funny and kind and compassionate and you do not deserve to be stuck with a loser like me." He lifted her chin with his thumb and finger-tip trying to make her see how serious he was. She didn't say anything but he could tell from her breathing that she was working through all he had said, weighing her response.

"You're not a loser," she said sadly.

"But you still don't really want me," he said making his own assessment of her last thought processes and letting out the breath he had unconsciously been holding. He quickly pulled her against him so he couldn't see the look in her eyes that would confirm what he had said, what he ultimately feared, was true.

"It's not all been bad Harry, you make it sound like the last few years have all been awful."

"A lot of them have Nikki; we've been through hell together."

"But we had some good times; didn't we? It wasn't all bad. And we were together."

"We were," Harry agreed, fully aware of his use of the past tense and buried his face in her shoulder again.

* * *

**This Ain't a Love Song: Scouting for Girls**

**So you still think he's going to stay?**


	15. Chapter 15 Need You Now

**Ah so we all need cheering up after a Harryless episode…it certainly was odd without him. Interesting that BBC are going with Leo's feelings of loss more than Nikki's. Still at least Leo hasn't kissed anyone inappropriate yet, so we're a step up from last season. Thanks for all your kind reviews last time.**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen Need You Now**

He continued to hold her, unsure of what to say next. He had said his piece; spoken his apology, told her he loved her but how was that to mean anything when she knew he was leaving? It wasn't quite the clinical break-up he had intended but there was just something about Nikki that always changed his intentions. Probably that need of hers to always be the one calling the shots and making the moves. He was lucky she hadn't pulled away from him and flinched again as she had those horrible times before.

He lost track of time as he stood in her kitchen holding her, something was changing, shifting between them. The longer he held her the more connected to her he felt but not in the flirtatious way that they had always enjoyed but in a deeper, more profound way. It felt odd that it was only a matter of minutes ago that they had both been shouting at each other and not much longer ago he had been eyeing up the suitability of the fridge. The Nikki in his arms now felt very different, despite all he had said to her, despite all he was doing, she was still there tough, resilient and unbowed. He'd always been annoyed by her stubbornness but now it was all he had left to cling on to.

"I'm sorry Harry; I've said some terrible things to you in the last couple of days," she murmured. He could tell from her breathing that she was crying silently, so he continued to hold her until her breath evened again. "The flowers really are beautiful. Thank you."

"I'm sorry too," Harry mumbled against her and then turned to look at the jolly sunflowers, "I thought you'd like them," he said with a smile, and held her at arms-length. "Come on," he tried another smile; "I'll make the tea shall I?" He busied himself with the kettle, whilst she found the long forgotten mugs. How was he supposed to leave her? How much more could it hurt? He wondered.

"What did you mean, when you said 'I hadn't thought this all through'?" he asked as he placed the full mugs down on the table and pulled out a chair.

Nikki sighed and sipped the too hot tea but remained standing.

"Moving to another country Harry, it's not going to be easy," she began.

"Go on…"

"You've applied for your ESTA?"

"I'm not a complete idiot, yes I have."

"And I take it you've sorted out a rental on your flat."

"Yes,"

"And who is your designated person that goes to check the condition of the flat, every month or whatever?"

"I paid for the premium package with the agency, it's all taken care of," he said smugly.

"And your stereo?"

"What about the stereo?"

"Well you're not leaving that in the flat to get trashed are you?" she challenged him.

He looked up at her and fidgeted uncomfortably.

"And what about the rest of your stuff that you don't want them to poke around in, all your books! Where are you keeping all of them?"

"Mum's?" he suggested weakly.

"And your car,"

"I'm selling it."

"Before you leave? As you leave? How are you getting to the airport? Who's signing the DVLA sheets and returning your tax disc for a refund?"

"Erm…" said Harry.

"And who's going to sign all those documents and ring the call centres when they're open and you'll be fast asleep?"

"Errm," Harry repeated and then added quietly, "there's no one who can fake my signature quite as well as you can."

"It's not exactly a signature is it? More a spidery loop and where is your post being redirected to? And who can access your bank account to wire you money when the Yanks can't agree on a National Insurance number for you, and without that, they can't pay you, you can't get a US credit card, you can't access your bank details or any other details and you can't get rent an apartment. You can't even join the public library without a National Insurance Number. Have you really thought it all through?"

"Enough!" he called holding up his hand. He crumpled into the kitchen table. "I'm sure HR at NYU are sorting out the details, they've done the visa and all that kind of stuff," he looked up at Nikki finally realising what she had meant earlier, "I'm going to need your help aren't I?"

"Yep," she nodded, staring into her tea.

"THIS, is not just going to end is it?"

"THIS or this?" she asked raising an eyebrow suggestively the first time and gesturing towards their companionable tea drinking on the second.

"This," Harry conceded indicating the empty chair opposite him.

* * *

**Lady Antebellum : Need You Now**


	16. Chapter 16 How

**Chapter 16 How?**

She shook her head and sat down at the table. They both sat in silence for a while drinking their tea. Harry played idly with the spoon as his brain processed all that she had said; all that she was apparently offering to do for him. This was more than just filling his car up with petrol every once in a while as a quick favour. This was serious. He watched her quietly the atmosphere between them was definitely different. It was still friendly but it lacked something. He could hear a song playing in the background repeatedly asking how? The voice was thick with emotion and hauntingly beautiful. He'd not even noticed the music until the silence that descended with the tea.

_How can I forget your love?_

_How can I never see you again?_

_There's a time and place_

_For one more sweet embrace_

_And is it time, ooh when it all, ooh_

_Went wrong?'_

"Is that Stella from the band singing?" Harry asked as he listened to the song.

"It does sound like her doesn't it; No a soon to be neighbour of yours: Regina Spektor."

Harry shrugged, he'd never heard of her, but that voice!

Harry thought back over all the details he had put in place for his move over the last month. He was organised, he did know what he was doing despite some shortcomings that Nikki had highlighted but of all the details he had underestimated; leaving her had to be the biggest. How had he imagined that he would be able to walk away, forget her, start somewhere new and begin again? How had she figured all this stuff out before he had? How was she; still sat there offering to be his friend after all he had done to her? Because she'd told herself that their attraction was just imagination? No! It wasn't his imagination he was sure of that, but if this now was how she wanted to continue then he would play the game by her rules. She'd made it patently clear he would need her help and he was at her mercy. She would still be in control after all.

"Nikki!" he said after a long pause. "Do you think, if you're selling my car and redirecting my mail, and sorting out my tax return…"

"I don't ever remember volunteering for tax duty… I'm sure I only said tax disc" Nikki interrupted but the first genuine smile of the day graced her lips.

"Nikki?" he stopped again realising that what he was about to ask would bind her to him tighter than anything else he could possibly imagine; even more so than if he had banged her against the fridge earlier but he couldn't quite bring himself to ask. It would be an admission of defeat, a total capitulation of his plan to leave her to get on with her life without him hindering her. Asking that of her now; wasn't it totally selfish? Hadn't he hurt her enough? He stared back into his empty mug and listened to the closing bars of the song.

_Time can come and take away the pain  
But I just want my memories to remain  
To hear your voice  
To see your face  
There's not one moment I'd erase  
You are a guest here now_

He couldn't ask her; could he?_  
_

* * *

**How: Regina Spektor**

**Seriously if you don't know this song, and it is one of the more obscure ones, do look it up. From the opening strings it is just a sublime piece of music and utterly utterly perfect for them. And you CAN get a public library card without a NI number in the US but only if you're prepared to look utterly desperate and cry, not sure Harry would be up for it, but I have no shame.**

**What's he going to ask?... more soon :)**


	17. Chapter 17 How

**I know cheating again on song title chapters but this chapter split itself into four! And in case you hadn't noticed I love this song. Thanks to all those reading and who checked it out too.**

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen How? **

_How can I forget your love?  
How can I never see you again?_

The song had finished, his tea was finished; the only thing unfinished was his question.

"What is it Harry?" she asked gently. Their argument had highlighted the fault line that had always separated them but just as their individual tectonic plates had explosively shifted apart in their first fight now they were being forced back together. The alignment was slightly different, it would take a while to adjust to the new fit, it would feel different and uncomfortable for a while but here they were, still friends, still talking, still together.

"It's ok, you can ask me," she said. "I can always say 'no'."

How could she still trust him after all he had done, how could she trust him like this but not trust him when he reached out to her physically? He ran a hand through his hair.

"Nikki, do you think you could look in on Mum occasionally for me?" he looked into her eyes, still unsure of the propriety of the question. "I'm sure she'd cook you a meal, or take you out somewhere nice. You could go see shows together. She'd like that. It's just…" Harry looked down into his mug for inspiration. "It's just that… I'll be so far away… I know I'll worry…" his voice cracked and he looked back down to where his tea had once been.

Why had he ever thought leaving would be the answer?

Nikki reached across the table and took his hand.

"I will," she promised.

Harry looked up, stunned by her generosity. He really did forget how beautiful she was sometimes until moments like these brought it all back to him. She took his breath away but she didn't take her hand away.

"Thank you," he replied sincerely with a shy smile.

"So we'll have to talk," Nikki insisted and a beat later added, "If only to tell you how overdue your subscription to Playboy is."

"Oy! You know I don't…."

"…and how much damage the new tenants have done to your flat!" she continued.

"Or how much you miss my jokes!"

"Easy!" Nikki chuckled.

Harry felt himself breathing freely for the first time in weeks, they were talking, and they were really talking. It felt as if he'd sucked in oxygen again after being suffocated, he was quite light headed. "Yes, we'll still talk," he gabbled. "Skype's brilliant and like you say; you can call me up at 3am and I'll be wide awake and ready to listen."

"We could make it a weekly thing. You can report on how dull your American students are, and how many twenty something's you've shagged and I can let you know how long it takes Leo to realise that you're not actually there anymore."

Harry chuckled, "and you can tell me how the new boy or girl gets on. And what an appalling taste in jumpers they have after my suave wardrobe."

Nikki didn't bother responding to that, just rolled her eyes at him.

"And you can give me updates on the handsome bachelor that comes and sweeps you off your feet and makes you blissfully happy."

"I doubt that," Nikki replied but she smiled anyway. "You know me, I'll find something I really like and it will turn out to be utterly worthless!"

"Oh Nikki, good things will come."

"Hmm," she said non-committally. "I can let you know how your mum really is, not just what she tells you and I can read you the transcript of my findings for Mrs Golding."

"Nikki, I am really sorry about that. I wasn't thinking. I am really sorry."

"It's ok," she said looking at their intertwined hands. "Sunday's at one would work."

"So it'll be eight in the morning for me? It's do-able,"

"I can laugh at your hangovers."

"That's not very kind."

"Can you think of anything better?"

Harry made a big show of thinking but remained silent.

"Sundays at one then?"

"Deal."

"Friends?" asked Harry, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Friends," agreed Nikki, returning the squeeze.

And there they sat in companionable silence, holding hands across the table.

* * *

**How: Regina Spector, can't tell you enough how fabulous this track is.**

**Nikki's/ Emilia's quote "I'll find something I really like and it'll turn out to be utterly worthless," from the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip the two of them did, it seemed to fit both on screen and off.**

**Any jumper references are especially for Owl. Thanks :)**


	18. Chapter 18 Don't Say Goodbye

**Chapter Eighteen Don't Say Goodbye**

"How did you know all that stuff?" Harry asked.

"What stuff?"

"The stuff about National Insurance numbers?"

"Oh the Americans are obsessed with them, a friend of mine did a placement in the US after med school, when I went to South Africa, we kept in touch by email and she let me in on some of their little idiosyncrasies."

"So I've lots to look forward to then," Harry said sarcastically.

"Lot's," Nikki replied with a wicked grin.

"And how about Mulder?"

"Who?"

"Mulder, I assume it was him you were quoting earlier…did he get the girl after his heart warming little speech?"

"Yes, and no."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"It's complicated: killer bees, aliens, viruses, spaceships hidden under Antarctica."

"But he does get the girl eventually?"

"That's even more complicated, maybe a few years later, after he's spent a year abducted by aliens."

"Bit like me then?" Harry suggested.

"You're moving to America by choice Harry! You'll BE the alien and hopefully the only viruses you investigate will be the terrestrial kind."

"That would probably be good," he agreed. "Alien," he said as if trying the word on for size.

"Better get used to it."

"You don't really have to write that on the forms do you?" he asked.

"Oh yes,"

"It's humiliating!"

"But it will always remind you that your true home is somewhere else," she said gently.

Harry stroked his thumb across the back of her hand. He was so confused. He didn't know what she wanted from him; he didn't even know what he wanted from her. "I do have to go," he said quietly.

"I know," she paused. "Just don't think you have to leave on my account."

He nodded sadly and continued to rub her hand gently with his thumb.

"And we will still talk," Harry asked his eyes looking into hers seriously now after all those years of joking with her, he needed her to know how important this was to him, looking to her for the confirmation he needed.

She remained quietly looking at him.

"And this isn't goodbye?" he asked.

Nikki shook her head than, pulled her hand out of his, stood and walked around the table to sit on his lap as she had done once before, when the two of them had survived another near apocalypse. She put her arms around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. Harry pulled her into his chest.

"No, this is not goodbye," she promised

"I'm going to miss this," he said sadly.

"THIS?" Nikki asked pulling away and raising an eyebrow.

"No, not THAT, the new THIS, the new improved whatever THIS is? The friends that are friends not just because they have to work together, but because they choose to be friends and who have other things to talk about rather than the latest case and why their boss has suddenly developed a weird taste in classical music."

"Oh that!" Nikki laughed. "I might miss the old THIS though," she said gently and slowly but sadly kissed his lips.

"Me too," he replied biting his lip. "Me too!" but he didn't dare return her kiss. He caught a glimpse of the sunflowers he had brought over her shoulder. They looked bright and vivacious; immune to all the anger and hurt that had spilled out in the small kitchen in the last half hour, but it would only be a matter of time before they began to droop and die now they had been severed from their roots. The water and plant food could only delay their inevitable death. Is that what they were doing? Delaying the inevitable?

"You should put some kitchen paper under those flowers, the pollen drops and can leave a stain."

Nikki raised a quizzical eyebrow at him.

"I do know some stuff," he said sulkily.

"You mean the lady in the shop told you!"

He nodded.

"I should go," he said sadly.

Nikki slowly stood up and held out her hand to help him up.

"Bye, Nikki!" he said, still holding her hand.

"Don't say goodbye, don't ever say goodbye," the words tumbled out of her mouth so quickly and so violently he was shocked by her sudden emotion after the relative quiet.

"Later then," he tried. "I'll see you later," and he gave her hand another squeeze.

"Later."

He let himself out, it was safer that way.

It was a couple of hours later when her phone beeped. She checked the message.

"Wd u like a new stereo? Can't fit all in box. Love H"

* * *

**Don't Say Goodbye: Olly Murs**

**X files quote in Chapter 14 from X Files film Fight the Future 1998, 20****th**** Century Fox Film Corporation and Ten Thirteen Productions plus allusions here to subsequent series, 20****th**** Century Fox home entertainment, no infringement intended.**

**Two more to go of this part and then it'll be part two. Stay warm everyone.**


	19. Chapter 19 We're On The Road To Nowhere

**I had thought every permutation of the 'airport scene' had been written so originally I wasn't intending these two chapters but then I thought perhaps this 'airport scene' hadn't been written. Watch those finger nails though. And apologies to our antipodean friends who are being boiled alive by their weather and not frozen like us… Stay warm or cool as necessary and good luck to all of you with exams.**

* * *

**Chapter 19 We're On The Road To Nowhere**

He hadn't wanted her to be the one to take him to the airport. He'd booked a car but she had insisted and actually it had made sense in the end as he couldn't stay at his flat now it was empty and his mother's was the wrong side of London for Heathrow. So he had spent his last night in London at Nikki's, in the spare room just as if it were another normal night.

The last three weeks had been odd. They hadn't fought again, there hadn't been more tears. Or none that Harry had seen. Leo had been the one to have a few too many at the farewell drinks party and get rather emotional. Nikki had been a tower of strength and such a help to him organising his flat, going through his wardrobe and filling bags for the charity shop with clothing she deemed unacceptable for New York. It didn't matter what he said, whether it was a favourite shirt or not she was ruthless and when she had finished he had a decent variety of clothes that all matched and would all fit in one of the suitcases he was entitled to under the airline baggage allowance rules.

They had had dinner out with his mother; it had felt like a cross between a funeral and a meet the parents meal. Harry had been terrified, especially after Nikki had promised to keep an eye on his mum for him. It wasn't as if his mum was geri or likely to become ill, she was his mum and it had just been the two of them for so long now, leaving her was a big deal. He had forgotten Nikki had already met his mother before and of course she managed the evening with impeccable charm and dignity; siding with his mother over how long it would take him to work out how the laundry system in his new place worked and to get his hair cut.

And so this was it. Time had run out. He couldn't face breakfast. He tried a piece of toast but the enormity of the journey he was about to take made the dry bread taste like sawdust and stick in his mouth. He tried coffee, but he could feel the caffeine winding him up further. They had agreed to leave at 9. That would give them plenty of time to get to Heathrow and the two hours to check in but at 8:05 Harry was pacing up and down Nikki's small kitchen.

"Do you want to go now? There's more room to pace at Heathrow and you won't wear out my floor!"

Harry looked up; she never ceased to surprise him. But was he really surprised? This was Nikki, Nikki who knew exactly how he was feeling just by touching his hand or looking in his eyes. His body language wasn't really disguising his emotions today.

"Do you mind?" he paused. "I mean we don't need to leave for another hour, we'll be there in plenty of time and…"

"It's ok Harry, there's nothing to do here. Why don't we just go?"

"You don't mind?"

"I wouldn't offer if I minded would I? Have you got everything?"

Nikki grabbed her jacket and handbag, as Harry collected the last things into his overnight bag and added them to his suitcase.

"Nikki, you know you're…." Harry tailed off.

"Amazing?" she suggested.

He nodded and bent down to pick up his bags so she wouldn't see his brimming eyes.

"Maybe it would have been better to leave after the rush," Harry said as they crawled down the M4 towards Heathrow.

"There's never a good time to use this road," Nikki agreed. Their conversation had been minimal, neither had been listening to James Naughtie but Harry liked the Today Programme, so it filled the ominous silence. But even James Naughtie couldn't be heard as two fire engines and a couple of police cars honked and sirened their way through the stacked traffic.

"That does not look good," Harry admitted.

"Could be worse. I can still see them and they seem to have stopped so the accident can't be that much further ahead, we may be able to get past."

Ten minutes later and they were no further. Nikki had switched the engine of and now they just had themselves and the silence for company.

"Do you think we should go and offer to help?" Harry asked.

"Harry you are trying to make a plane for New York! You don't go and help at the scene of an accident when a new job in another country is awaiting you."

Harry just shrugged.

"Do you actually want to go?" Nikki asked her voice higher and strained; the stress of the last weeks beginning to take its toll.

He looked up at her sadly. "It's a great opportunity isn't it?" he asked.

"Yes it is," she agreed. "You'd be a fool not to take it."

"Would you go? If they offered it to you?"

"In a heartbeat," she lied. "Still we've got to get you to the airport yet.

They had been watching the planes making their approach to the runways, but there hadn't been any for a while, Harry was just about to comment on it when the silence was broken by the sound of a helicopter.

"Air ambulance!" Harry cried.

"I might have to go into work this afternoon yet!" said Nikki sadly.

"I think I might be able to postulate your cause of death."

It was another twenty minutes before the helicopter took off again. Harry had begun to wring his hands and sweat. They were completely powerless. The temperature was soaring and without A/C or the car moving they were beginning to cook. The stifling heat only added to the suffocating silence between them. The airport was within sight, the signs were all around them, but the traffic was still totally stationary.

Another white van arrived to join the full house of emergency vehicles in front of them, the back door opened and three SOCO's in full kit climbed out the back. Harry buried his head in his hands.

"If they are combing every inch of this road, we will never make check-in!" he groaned. "My mum always buys an open ticket, she says 'you can never be sure,' so she always pays the extra money. Why didn't I?"

"We'll make it," Nikki affirmed.

"My new boss is meeting me at JFK, how's that going to look if I don't turn up?"

"Harry, it'll be ok, we'll make it just try and calm down. Even if you miss the plane, it's not like it was your fault, you're going to be fine. You'll be a fantastic professor they'll all love you."

He caught her eye then, but quickly looked back out the window.

"They can't keep the road shut much longer; it will bring the whole of west London to a stand-still. Look! I think they're letting a few cars through."

It was true, up ahead a police officer was slowly sorting out the mess of snarled traffic and very slowly letting one edge past the cordoned off area of the road. After about ten cars had gone, there was a pause while the tapes and cones that blocked off area were re-set to allow a bit more room, and then the traffic ahead began to move again.

The waiting was agonising. Nikki could feel Harry's frustration, she could feel her own frustration but there was nothing to be done but wait.

"It took seven minutes for that lot of ten cars to go through, how many more do you think we have in front of us?"

"Another thirty?" Nikki suggested.

"So that's at least another twenty minutes," he checked the time on the clock on the dash board. "If the road is clear beyond the blockage, we might just make it."

"We'll make it Harry," Nikki assured him.

"We need a plan if we do make it," Harry began.

"I'll drive through the kiss and fly and stop as near to the door as possible, I'll jump out and grab a trolley, there's a pound coin in the ashtray, you grab your bags and get ready to run." He hadn't even needed to say what kind of plan it was they needed, she had it covered.

"There'll hardly be time to say goodbye," Harry said.

"We said we weren't saying 'goodbye,'" Nikki insisted and took his hand. "So it won't matter; you grab your bags, I'll grab the trolley and then you'll be off. It was a good job we did leave an hour early!"

They sat watching the minutes click by on the clock, silently holding hands; this was not the ending either of them had imagined. Every so often one looked at the other as if to say something but the moment passed and the silence was total.

Eventually the cars directly in front started their engines and began to move, the road was clear up ahead and Nikki negotiated the exit and airport directions to the terminal, stopping right outside the Virgin Atlantic baggage drop. The minute the car stopped she was out and running for the trolley bank. By the time she returned Harry had his bags on the pavement ready to load up.

"There, you're good to go. Run!"

"Nikki…you're…."

"Harry go! You can't miss this plane now. Call me later. Just go!"

"Thank you," he said pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

"Go!" she commanded and pushed him towards the doors.

He had taken about five steps when he heard her suddenly cry out.

"Harry wait!" He turned to see her running after him and reaching into her handbag.

"I bought you this, open it on the plane. Good luck Harry!" Harry looked at the neatly wrapped present in his hands and back up at the woman in front of him.

"I love you," he said, the words spilling out of his unsuspecting lips; surprising himself as much as his friend.

"Have a great time Harry; I'll talk to you later."

"And you won't forget Sundays at one?"

"No chance, now get going!"

He took off as fast as he could through the doors and across the concourse and Nikki returned to the car just as the airport security man began to look a bit shirty.

* * *

**We're on the road to nowhere: Talking Heads**


	20. Chapter 20 Happy Ice Cream

**Chapter Twenty Happy Ice Cream**

Nikki put the key in the ignition and moved out into the traffic. She couldn't leave the car any longer in the kiss and fly lane but after the stress of the journey to the airport she wasn't ready to face the return journey yet and she needed a toilet. There was nothing at terminal five that looked even vaguely hospitable, but having got lost on the way out, her vision being slightly blurry; she found a billboard advertising a McDonalds not that far away. Ordinarily she didn't care for McDonalds but now it had both things that she needed; a Ladies and ice cream.

She joined the queue to order her McFlurry and took it with shaking hands to a booth near the window. She could see the planes in the distance and the stark boringness of the airport car parks and access roads. Even on a bright day like today it looked faintly seedy and depressing. Terminal Five had been much more up market, but she'd barely had time to even notice it.

She watched a young mother struggle in with a baby in a car seat and small child. The baby was crying and the child beside herself.

"But why does Daddy have to go away AGAIN!" she cried. "He said last time dat he would be back for ages and now he's gone again. I hate it when Daddy's away!"

"It won't be for long darling, and you know Daddy wanted you to be good while he was away."

"But what if I don't feel like being good? I'm sad why can't I be sad? And why do I have to pretend I'm not sad when I am sad?"

"Well other people don't like to see it."

"But if I was laughing dey wouldn't mind would dey?" the little girl challenged her mother.

Nikki gave a wry smile, it had been a while since she'd witnessed such emotional honesty it was quite refreshing.

The girl continued to cry as they inched their way toward the counter.

"Can you be sad a bit less loudly?" asked the harassed mother.

"My brudder's being loud and you're not telling him off," she insisted.

"Jack's hungry darling. Come on now, Daddy always comes back, doesn't he? He always comes back. Now what kind of ice cream would you like? You can't be unhappy and eat ice cream. It's impossible."

The mother collected her order and took the booth across the aisle from Nikki's; she plonked the McFlurry down in front of her daughter, with a pile of napkins and then reached into the car seat for the wailing baby and a cloth. She deftly attached the baby to nurse under her shirt and peace was at once restored to the small family.

"Mummy?"

"Do you dink we'll see der helicopter again on der way home?"

"I hope not. It shouldn't take quite so long to get home."

All was quiet for a while and then the mother added, "You were very patient in the car earlier. I was very proud of you. It was a long wait wasn't it."

"Daddy dought he would miss his plane,"

"I did too," the mother agreed.

"And he said a bad word!"

"Yes he did, but you're not to say it you know."

"I know Mummy!" The girl continued to pick the sweets off the top of her ice cream.

"Thank you for playing with Jack when he woke up."

"Dat's ok."

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you dink the people in the squashed car were really hurt?"

"I think they were Lily, that's why they had to be taken to the hospital quickly in the helicopter."

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

"Dey should give dem some ice cream; dat would make dem feel better."

"I'm not sure ice cream is the best thing after a car accident."

"You said, 'you can't be sad when you're eating ice cream.'" She dangled a dripping mass of ice cream on her plastic spoon as she made her observation.

"It's true Lily, you can't"

"So dey should give der sad people in der squashed car some ice cream," she said.

The mother didn't reply, just shifted the nursing baby into a more comfortable position and took a drink from her bottle of water.

"Mummy?

"Yes?"

"Dat lady over dere's got ice cream and she's still sad." She pointed her ice cream laden spoon towards Nikki.

"Shh!" the mum tried to chastise her daughter, but there was nothing that could cover a four year old's commentary on the world around them. "Maybe she's still eating the sweets and hasn't got to the ice cream yet?"

Lily gave Nikki a hard stare. She could see ice cream on Nikki's spoon, so it definitely wasn't that. To avoid further observations by her daughter the mother said,

"Maybe someone she loves has gone away too," casting Nikki an apologetic glance.

Nikki nodded and smiled at the mother to show she didn't mind the girls chatter. "He's gone away for a very long time," she added.

"What like THREE weeks!" Lily exclaimed.

"Much longer than three weeks," Nikki replied.

She saw the young child open her mouth again, but the look on her mother's face was enough to put her off. Lily went back to eating her ice cream and Nikki disinterestedly plopped the spoon back into hers and stared back out the window. The quiet didn't last long.

"Mummy?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"I need a wee," the mother groaned.

"Don't worry I can go by myself."

The mother looked helplessly at the nursing baby and the paraphernalia that travelling with two children entailed but by then Lily had disappeared. She returned a moment later.

"Der doors stuck, can't open it!" she said in frustration.

The mother looked again at the contented baby and sighed.

"I'll hold the door open for her if you like?" Nikki suggested, getting to her feet. "That is if you don't mind? She can manage on her own can't she?"

"Really? Do you mind?" the mother said.

"No, it's fine, you've got your hands full." Nikki followed Lily back to the Ladies and gave the heavy bathroom door a hefty shove and Lily skipped in to the toilet. She stood holding the door open, still within sight of the girl's mother but also close enough to help the little girl if she needed. The world was a strange place these days.

"I saw the helicopter too," Nikki said to Lily.

"Were you in der big traffic jam?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"Did your friend say a bad word like Daddy?"

"No, I don't think he did," Nikki answered recalling the stifling silence of the car and reaching in to turn on the hand drier for the little girl.

"You shouldn't be sad when you're eating ice cream you know," Lily said knowledgeably as they made their way back to the seats. "He will come back. Mummy says so."

"Thank you," the mother said, as Lily jumped back up onto the plastic seat and began to scrape the remnants of the ice cream from the cardboard cup. The little boy was now fast asleep across the mother's shoulder looking content and full.

"It was no trouble." Nikki replied. She didn't bother to sit down again; the sweetness of the ice cream was making her stomach feel queasy. She was just opening the exit door when she heard Lily's voice in the distance,

"Mummy, dat nice lady didn't finish her ice cream."

"Maybe she wanted to be sad a bit longer like you did?" Lily's mother suggested.

"But dat's wasting isn't it, you shouldn't waste food, do you dink she'll get any pudding later? I told her not to be sad…I told her, her friend will come back, he will come back won't he Mummy? Dat's what you say, he will come back and HE didn't say a bad word in der traffic jam…"

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**Happy Ice Cream: Masaaki Endoh (I cheated on this one, just found a song with the title I wanted….) It does contain the words 'dreams do come true,' though in the lyrics ; ) Apologies if you're struggling with Lily's speech just swap the /d/ for a /th/**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed along the way, each one is a smile of inspiration to keep part two going… Inca Mystica, pinkswallowsun, charlotte88, tigpop, kiwiSWfan, Ela Plume-en-sucre, greylostwho, decidedly average, freya82, owl-eats-waffles, Littlefoot19 and water-and-a-flame, sincere thanks and if you haven't reviewed give it a whirl, I don't bite I promise.**

**Also not sure whether the official disclaimer went on at the beginning so Silent Witness and the characters and now EX characters belong to the BBC, no infringement intended I'm just trying to make them happy, I'm just doing it very slowly. Watch out for part two.**


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